Suspect marriages

Saturday afternoon I had the pleasure of having lunch with an unhappily married couple. Well, at least half of the couple was unhappy. My friend, we'll call her "Sasha," confided in me prior to our lunch that her husband "Craig" would be joining us and she was none too thrilled about it. According to her, she "had a sudden epiphany and realized her marriage was a mistake" and she wanted out. This didn't come as a surprise to me because when I first met them, I asked myself "why are these two people married to each other?" Even a perfect stranger could tell that he was absolutely smitten by her and she could really care less. This was compounded by the fact that when they spoke of children, her husband would say things like "when we have kids..." or "our children..." She on the other hand would say "when I have kids..." or "my children..." It was almost as if she was saying "yeah, I plan on having kids, but I won't be having them with him!" I feel sorry for Craig because I know he really loves Sasha, but Sasha barely even likes her husband nowadays. She married him because it was easy, convenient, and seemed like a nice idea at the time. However, she now realizes that it's not going to work and she's stuck.

I'm writing about this because I know a few people who have fallen victim to, or soon will become a part of a suspect marriage. There's a woman in my office that is getting married in a few weeks because she's old and unattractive. Those are her words, not mine! She had been dating her fiance for 4 months when he popped the question and she had no hesitation about saying yes. I asked her what made her do it so quickly and she said, "Andrew is a good guy and I'm not getting any younger. It doesn't matter to him that I don't look like Heidi Klum or Kate Moss; he loves me for me." Sounds sweet and endearing, but not once have I heard her say that the reason she is marrying him is because she loves him. After seeing the two of them together, I think she has the same feelings for her fiance that Sasha has about Craig--borderline indifference with just a hint of warm and fuzziness. Hardly enough to keep a marriage afloat.

That brings me to the question, why do we get married? I know that sounds like a very Carrie Bradshaw thing to ask, but after witnessing one sham-of-a-marriage after another, I'm a little concerned because I don't want to end up being a bitter wife. I'm a hopeless romantic so I want to marry a guy that makes the earth move under my feet; makes the sky come tumbling down, tumbling down. But I'm no fool either so even if I'm crazy in love with a guy, he needs to be a suitable husband in every sense. But I've seen both men and women who sacrifice one for the other, or even both. A friend of mine is crazy in love with his wife but she's a mean-spirited bitch that can't hold a job or a decent conversation. Definitely not a suitable wife. Another woman I know married her husband because he was kind, practical and could financially provide for her, but she still doesn't know what it means to truly be in love.

So as I was sitting at Cafe Rouge with Sasha and Craig, politely ignoring that fact that as he repeatedly tried to hold her hand she would discreetly pull it away, I realized how important it is to form a delicate balance between having the earth move and actually having a solid ground to stand on. A suspect marriage is like having an Amaretto Sour with too much sour and not enough Amaretto; or using egg whites instead of sour mix--like they do here in England. It's highly unsuitable! Just like an expertly mixed cocktail, a marriage needs to be a combination of all the right ingredients that are blended together in harmony. I know comparing a successful marriage to a cocktail is oversimplification at its worst, but I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this. If you don't seriously consider all aspects of marriage before heading to the altar--love, happiness, security, etc., you'll turn into that annoying person that does nothing but complain about how crappy their husband/wife is, and none of the other kids in the sandbox will want to play with you!