Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Accidentally on purpose

After weeks of anticipation, the results are in and it turns out that Anna Nicole Smith died of an accidental overdose. The coroner released her autopsy report yesterday and it showed eight different drugs in her system, which ultimately killed her. Call me crazy, but unless you’re HIV positive, I don’t understand why someone would be on so much medication! Yeah, we all know that she was depressed, unstable and a whore, but does it really take that many pills to lift your spirits?

Most importantly, if someone dies from a lethal combination of eight drugs, how exactly is that an accident? If she mistakenly took the wrong dosage of one drug and it killed her, that’s one thing. If her Valium had a bad reaction with her Ritalin, that’s yet another. But when you ingest EIGHT different drugs and seriously think you’re going to wake up the next day, that’s not called an accident; that’s called stupidity. If Anna was anything, it was stupid, so let’s just call it what it is.

But to give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she wasn’t that stupid and actually intended to kill herself. After all, she was “married” to a man that looks like a downsy cabbage patch kid; that, in and of itself is enough to make anyone want to go to the upper room. To be fair, I think we all should consider that maybe she actually committed suicide because nobody, not even Anna, could be stupid enough to think taking all those drugs would have the same effect as Flintstone vitamins. Or could she?

Thursday, March 22, 2007

300 reasons to shut the f&$% up!

In typical Hollywood fashion, a new movie has been released and people are pissed off. This time around, Iranians are upset about the new blockbuster "300", which they say depicts Iranians in a negative light and "provokes animosity against Iran." I get really annoyed with people who get all up-in-arms over how their race/culture/sex/etc. gets depicted in a movie. Were black people up in arms about Pooty Tang? Did the Asians send out angry press releases about Harold and Kumar? Absolutely not. A movie afterall is entertainment and most people know that entertainment isn't always reality, especially when you're talking about Hollywood. But it seems that every so often a movie gets released and a new breed of people become shocked and appalled. People from Kazakhstan were pissed about Borat, Jewish people were pissed about The Passion of the Christ and were even more pissed when they realized that Mel Gibson is in fact, a raging anti-semite. Now Iranians are pissed because they are portrayed as "decadent and sexually flamboyant."

Iranians who are actually upset about this movie need to realize they have bigger fish to fry. People don't think Iranians are decadent and sexually flamboyant; they think they are terrorists who like to blow up Americans! It's pretty safe to say they didn't come to that conclusion after watching a movie either. Sadly, the average American doesn't know the difference between an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Indian or a black man. So rather than whine and cry, how about you educate instead.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Coco almost gets a beat down!

Yesterday I got off work earlier than usual so I decided to do a little shopping. Way too many purchases later, I was schlepping through the train station with a handful of shopping bags and came dangerously close to tipping over a few times. I was walking down the stairs and a woman was walking up on the same side that I was walking down. Out of common courtesy, it would have made more sense for the woman to switch sides because I was the one with a million bags and all she had was an umbrella. Apparently she had no idea what common courtesy was because she stayed on my side and of course, I didn’t move either. We bumped into each other, I realized she smelled funny, so I then moved over to the other side of the stairs and continued to walk down. Neither of us said anything, I kept walking down and she kept walking up, so as far as I was concerned it wasn’t a big deal.

About 15 seconds later I hear a woman with a very strong Jamaican accent yelling. I immediately knew it was the woman from the stairs, but I kept walking because I didn’t want to have an altercation with her. I was wearing a pencil skirt and 3-inch heels, hardly fighting gear or running shoes.


I kept walking, hoping that she would disappear, but after yelling “wat te problem ees” about 6 times, she was finally about 4 inches from my face. Standing in front of me was a woman with a broken front tooth, a tangerine colored phonytail and scars all over her face.

“Ya tink I’ma punk? Ya tink I’ma punk? Whyncha sah ‘xcuse me huh? Ya tink I’ma punk!”

If you’re having trouble reading this and you’re wondering what I’m trying to say, I felt the exact same way as I stood there listening to that ghetto bitch rant and rave. I couldn’t understand half the crap coming out of her mouth and she had the audacity to hold her umbrella up like she was going to hit me with it! I never said anything, I just stood there looking at her with a blank expression as she kept asking/yelling, “ya tink I’ma punk! Whyncha sah ‘xcuse me huh?! ”

If she was a typical woman, I probably would have said something ridiculous like, “I’m too pretty to fight”, with a smug smile from ear to ear; but this chick most certainly was not typical. She was the type that would stalk me and slice my face with a box cutter just for looking at her the wrong way. If you’ve ever read The Coldest Winter Ever, you know exactly what I’m talking about. She wasn’t the type of woman I could smack and walk away from casually and confidently, she was the type of woman that would stomp my face into the ground and then spit on me for good measure. After a couple more rounds of “do ya tink I’ma punk,” I ended my silence and started laughing hysterically. The GC (ghetto chick) was pissed that I bumped into her and I couldn’t believe she was being so hostile about it. It was hilarious, like something out of a low budget movie. I continued to laugh and turned to walk away.

As I was walking, I thought two things would happen. 1) The GC would hit me with her umbrella and try to cut me with a piece of broken glass she kept in her pocket for good luck. 2) After hitting me with her umbrella and trying to cut me with the broken glass, I myself would start fighting like a GC and we would both end up in jail. She kept yelling as I walked away and I was waiting for her to strike. Turns out that GC was a punk after all. She did nothing but continue to yell things that I couldn’t understand. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m a little outspoken and a wee bit brazen. However, I know how to pick my battles! I had absolutely no interest in getting my ass kicked in the middle of a train station by an immigrant with an orange weave. I would’ve never been able to show my face in this town again.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Coco Stasia's 1st Annual Oscar Review

I love award show season! The gowns, the jewels, the hair, the shoes, it’s all divine! There are times when award shows disappoint, but the Academy Awards last night didn’t let me down! Ellen DeGeneres (who I usually can’t stand) was actually pretty funny, the winners weren’t as predictable as they usually are and everyone took fashion risks on the red carpet – some successful, some not. Here are a few things that stood out

Djimon Hounson made a come-up!
Do you remember that greasy-lipped African in Janet Jackson’s video “Love Will Never Do”? Well lo and behold that shiny black man was Djimon! Apparently, he was the male version of a video ho, having been scantily clad in videos for both Janet Jackson and Paula Abdul. He was nominated for Best Supporting Actor last night for Blood Diamond and was also nominated in 2004 for In America. He didn’t win last night, but Djimon most definitely deserves the award for biggest come-up. Not even Paula Abdul has seen that kind of success and Straight Up Now Tell Me was her song!

Daniel Craig looks funny.

When Daniel Craig was announced as the new James Bond, I was a little confused because he isn’t exactly what you’d call hot stuff. Ungracefully old and bizarre looking is more like it. How do you go from Sean Connery and sexy Pierce Brosnan, to a guy with weird bone structure, beady eyes and abnormally large ears? Speaking of abnormally large ears…

Penelope Cruz has abnormally large ears.

Penelope looked absolutely gorgeous last night. Her Versace gown definitely puts her up in the top 5 best dressed of the night, but her tight, pulled back ‘do highlighted her poorest feature – those ginormous ears. If that dress were on anyone else, a tight bun would have definitely been the hairstyle of choice, but on someone with ears the size of a small country, billowy curls flowing free would have been a better one.

J. Lo is gorgeous, Marc Anthony is a corpse. Seriously.

Jennifer Hudson still needs to get her breasts under control.

Initially when I saw J. Hud on the red carpet, I threw up in my mouth a little. All I saw was a ridiculous 1980s hairstyle and a bright, silvery Star Trek-esque jacket that belonged in a modern art museum. Her gown on the other hand was fabulous. I could have done without the drab brown color, but it fit her perfectly and is by far one of the most flattering gowns I’ve seen on her thus far. Bravo Mr. De la Renta! (I’ll forgive him for the bolero). But when she got onstage to perform, the world had to witness yet another poor dress choice. As she bounced, jiggled, and shook on stage in a tight red dress, her right breast came dangerously close to falling out. Oddly enough, it wasn’t even the same sad breast that we saw in Vogue. I’m absolutely beside myself because Andre Leon Talley, the editor-at-large for Vogue, is her stylist. Why oh why can’t he help her get her bosom under wraps?! Queen Latifah looked absolutely stunning last night and her breasts are probably twice the size of Jen's. Girl, get it together! We’re all sick and tired of trying to tell you.

Too many divas equals a big ‘ol mess.
Dreamgirls had three songs nominated in the Best Song category last night. Rather than have each song performed individually, someone thought it was a good idea to have basically the entire cast of Dreamgirls up onstage performing the three songs nominated. It started off well. Jennifer sang half of a song and then Beyonce came out to sing “Listen” and then came Anika Noni Rose. Before you knew it, there were three divas (and one misplaced man) onstage, screaming high notes all over the place, vying for center stage. After a while I was confused and had no idea what song was being performed, who to look at, or what the hell was going on. It was a travesty. And I was still a nervous wreck about possibly seeing Jen's nipple.

Gay women like tuxes.
First I saw Melissa Etheridge on the red carpet in a weird pants suit, then I saw Ellen DeGeneres open the show wearing a burgundy velvet pimp suit and white shoes that I’m pretty sure were meant for a man. You’re a woman who likes to have sex with women and you’re not very feminine. I get it. But you are in fact a woman, so what’s the harm in looking like one? Portia de Rossi (Ellen’s girlfriend), is the perfect example of what I’m talking about. She looked stunning in a deep blue halter gown by Zac Posen and even Melissa’s girlfriend looked good. But I guess that in every lesbian relationship you have to have a token “male”, in which case I suppose Ellen did manage to pull it together by the end of the show.

Last but not least…Jennifer Hudson needs to go to finishing school.
As much as I talk about Jennifer Hudson as of late, you would think that I really don’t like her. The thing is, I do. I just want her to do better!! Her acceptance speech last night was a complete and total mess. After hearing her say “woooooo” at least 3 times during her Golden Globe’s speech, I thought for sure she would clean it up and have a well thought out speech in the event that she won the Oscar. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. We had to listen to her “woooo” again repeatedly and just as she was walking off stage after saying her thank yous, she ran back to the mic to say “oh and Jennifer Holiday too!” Even though I was genuinely happy for her, I was cringing and giving my TV the crazy look the entire time she was up there.

I know she’s an American Idol reject that used to sing on cruise ships, but damn, can someone please teach this chick the art of public speaking? If it was the Kid’s Choice awards, I might let it slide. Hell, if it was the Grammy’s I might let it slide! But it was the Academy Awards, an event that is watched by 80 million people across the globe. She’s one of a miniscule amount of black women to be awarded with the Best Supporting Actress award, and she goes up there unpoised and unprepared? Forrest Whitaker learned his lesson. He stumbled and stammered the last time he won, but this time he wrote down a few things and went up there sounding like an award winning actor should. Jen on the other hand thanked her boyfriend (who I hear is a janitor?) and her cousins, who she basically gave a shout out to while up there. Then while talking to the press backstage she said something to the effect of, “I don’t know what I won, all I know is I got a statue.” I think a runaway slave from 1791 would have been more polished.

All in all, I guess it was as good as to be expected. I'm convinced that ridiculous gospel choir was there only because it's Black History Month, even though I love the environment Al Gore makes me want to destroy it just to spite him, I'm surprised they didn't "cut to camera 2" when Melissa Etheridge kissed her wife on the mouth, and is it just me or did it take you about 2 hours to realize that that weird bald man in the front row was Jack Nicholson?

See you all next year!

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

When a boob hangs low

Back when I was in college I affectionately nicknamed by boobs Thelma and Louise. They were large and in charge, with a mind and personality of their own. I'm a couple of cup sizes smaller now, but Thelma and Louise still represent, being a little bigger than the average boob. So when I see other women with their "girls" on display for the world to see, I don't say too much as long as they have the proper support. I've become somewhat of an under garment connoisseur, knowing what will suck you in, perk you up, make you bouncy or make you pass out from lack of oxygen. No matter how big (or small) your girls, the proper bra and right clothing will make you look absolutely stunning. So it's extremely important, especially for those whose cup runneth over, to know what will make you look your absolute best.

Jennifer Hudson is obviously not in the know.

Inside spread of Vogue

I love JHud. I think she's beautiful, talented and I was THRILLED when I found out she was gracing the March cover of Vogue.

I'm sure there have only been a few times in Vogue's history where they have stepped outside the box and put someone on the cover that is larger than a size 2, especially a black woman so I applaud them for that. The cover is fab, but who decided that that picture of her with the droopy boob was a good look? Not only was the photo a bad choice, but the dress was an even worse choice and the fact that her girls aren't supported is the biggest sin of all. There are few things worse than a wayward boob and I'm appalled that one boob looks regular, and the other looks sad and depressed. While I'm sure she was excited to appear in the magazine and would have worn a potato sack if they told her to, she should have at least been adamant about wearing a bra! Get it together Jen, your girls deserve better than that!

Monday, February 12, 2007

Accidental Eavesdropper

Have you ever been minding your business and you overhear something completely hilarious or utterly ridiculous? Or have you ever been on your cell phone in public and suddenly realize that the things you are saying should not be overheard by random passersby? I experienced both this past weekend and the latter left me feeling very embarrassed.

I was walking to meet a couple of friends for dinner on Saturday night. It was cold as all get out and I lost my hat on Friday, so unfortunately I had nothing to cover my head (or ears). I was standing on the corner waiting to cross the street when two guys came and stood next to me. The first guy said, “I know he knows I like him, but I don’t know if he knows I like him like that.” The second guy said, “does your wife know?” Now correct me if I’m wrong, but if you heard something like that, wouldn’t your natural inclination be to turn and see exactly who the down-low guy was? These days there are so many men on the down-low that I didn’t think I was in the wrong by turning around and seeing exactly who he was. Afterall, this same guy could probably try to hit on me at a club one night! I guess the alleged down-low guy didn’t feel the same way because he gave me the look of “bitch, get up out my conversation” when I turned to look at him. It wasn’t my fault, he shouldn’t have been having that conversation on the sidewalk!

The second encounter was actually me talking too loud on my cell phone. I was in Starbucks and talking to a friend of mine about a tuna sandwich I had eaten earlier. There was too much tuna stuffed in the sandwich and when I bit into it, tuna fell out and got all over my jacket, leaving me smelling like a can of tuna. Unfortunately, the accidental eavesdropper listening to my conversation wasn’t privy to any of this (or an inside joke my friend and I have about Chlamydia), so I ended up embarrassing myself in a major way!

“I smell bad. Oh my god, I have Chlamydia. Doesn’t your choch smell like tuna when you have Chlamydia? Girl, that muthaf*cka gave me Chlamydia!”

I said all of this like I was serious, because that’s what makes the joke so funny. But when I looked up from my macchiato, a man was starring at me like I was some filthy whore. The sad part is that he wasn’t the only one that was starring at me. At least three other people looked at me when I said, “doesn’t your choch smell like tuna when you have Chlamydia?” As much I would like to believe I am this wordly sophisticate, at that very moment I was the equivalent of Beavis or Butthead. Not my proudest moment!

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

A mind of your own

Maybe it's because my mother taught me to always speak for myself, or maybe it's because I admire people who go against the grain, but I think having a mind of your own and voicing your opinions is the key to survival. To some, that sounds a little dramatic so I'll just say that I can't stand people who don't have a mind of their own.

In this day in age people have so many choices and things in which to believe. Along with those choices is a vast amount of information available for you to research before committing to your decisions. So it bothers me when people tell me they like this or that, or they believe in such and such, but they can't tell me exactly why. How could that be?! If you believe the government is failing us and you refuse to vote, be sure you can articulate why you feel that way. If you think polyester is far superior to cashmere, you better damn well be able to back it up! Time and time again I've come across people who like something just because someone else told them to. I just don't understand it. It can be as simple as preferring Jiff peanut butter to Skippy, or being Pro-Life versus Pro-Choice. Whatever it is, you should know why it's your choice. I actually enjoy talking to people who have a different viewpoint from my own; it's an opportunity for interesting discussion and either one of us could walk away learning something new. However, talking to people who have opposing viewpoints, but are too stupid to actually converse about it, is both frustrating and sad. Sometimes it's OK to smack people who say ridiculous things, but it's even more OK to smack people who have absolutely nothing to say. If you ever come across these people, just go ahead and smack them. PLEEEEASE!!

Friday morning I was watching the Today Show and Meredith Viera was interviewing Laura Bush, so I purposefully didn't pay too much attention to it. In the seven years that she's been First Lady, I have yet to hear her saying anything insightful or even remotely genuine. I'm not knocking her because she's married to a putz, I just honestly think her brain can only function at certain levels. She proved my point when Meredith began asking an uncomfortable line of questions about the war. Meredith played a clip of Senator Chuck Hagel saying, "we better be damn sure we know what we're doing, all of us, before we put 22,000 more Americans into that grinder. We better be as sure as you can be." After playing the clip, Meredith said to her that the majority of Americans who are fighting in this war are young people and that Laura herself has young children that could be fighting as well. She asked her that given that fact, does she still feel comfortable sending those young people to war and if she feels it's the right thing to do. Laura's answer?

"Well, I do feel comfortable because I know the President does and that's what he thinks..."

Can someone please smack this ho?