My friend Ming Ming is just a wee bit obsessed with becoming a trophy wife and living a life of luxury. She believes that one good way of doing this is by marrying a pro football player because a.) She LOVES football, and b.) Most football players have dough, and Ming Ming loves the dough! She forwarded to me a very nifty link on usatoday.com that gives the salaries for all professional football, baseball, basketball, and hockey players. You can't say the girl isn't thorough in her research! I perused the listings just out of curiosity and found that the majority of high earning players actually have relatively low base salaries, but astronomical signing bonuses. The signing bonus is an interesting thing. You're pretty much given a big sum of money based on your potential and what you could possibly do for the team. Yes, I know there are other factors such as the salary cap, but if you have the potential to be a megawatt star, your signing bonuses will be awarded accordingly. That got me to thinking…
I'm a single girl, but when I do become someone's girlfriend I have the potential to be one of those megawatt stars. I've got the goods! I'm pretty (at least in my own mind), relatively intelligent, supportive, patient, love sports, know when to shut up, know when not to shut up, can cook (I can make a mean bowl of cereal), well travelled, well spoken, well mannered, and even though I occasionally bump into things, I'm pretty much the equivalent of a Heisman Trophy winner. So when some guy finally snatches me up (but only after I have conferred with my friends and negotiations with other prospects have fallen through) isn't it fitting that I get a signing bonus? I shouldn't be given a bonus just because I have all this potential to be a really super girlfriend, but also because the guy has the potential to really suck and never take me to the Super Bowl, also known as the big white wedding.
Take Michael Vick for example. He's one of the most popular QBs in the game because he's so fun to watch. He scrambles like a maniac and when he's outside the pocket, there's no telling what he's going to do. He has the potential to be one of the great QBs of the game and because of that, he received a hefty salary of $23M last season, $22M of which was a part of his signing bonus. He's got the potential, but his team sucks majorly. At the rate they're going, they won't see a Super Bowl anytime this millennium. So what does Mike get for all his hard work, patience, endurance, and sportsmanship?
A big bonus.
And that's how it should be with girlfriends! We should be given a bonus upfront as a consolation prize in the event that Dreamy McDreamy turns out to be a Grade A Loser. Wives get alimony. Girlfriends should get signing bonuses. I'm not saying that we should be given money, because then we'd be nothing but common whores. But we should be given something so that in the event we don't make it to the playoffs, we know that the time and effort we put into the relationship wasn't a total waste. Now what exactly that something should be, I really have no idea. But just off the top of my head, an endless supply of red shoes would be an excellent start.
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2 comments:
Women already have the negotiating leverage to receive great signing bonuses. Many end up settling for hard d!@& and bubble gum, minus the bubble gum. Pardon the imagery. Step your game up ladies! Men are getting y'all at a discounted rate that Walmart can't even offer. You have the power!
Yes, I will agree that many women have the tendency to settle for less. That's why it's important for us to value ourselves and really know what we want and don't want out of a relationship. Like AB said, step up your game ladies!
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