Let oil glisten all over their bodies

This past Monday, a Japanese tanker spilled 1.4 million gallons of oil into the Indian Ocean. That's the equivalent of 4,500 tons! But sadly, that spill isn't nearly as bad as the spill that happened in Lebanon a few weeks ago. During the first few days of the new war Israel has waged on Hezbollah, Israeli fighter jets accidentally on purpose bombed a power plant in Beirut causing 15,000 tons of oil to leak into the Mediterranean Sea. The spill this week by the Japanese was apparently caused by a collision with a cargo ship.


The big oil companies responsible for these spills are usually very slow to react to these situations. I guess they figure that since humans aren't directly affected, they can figure out what to do about it later. Who cares if a crab or seagull is disoriented and close to death because it's covered in oil?! I care. And so do a lot of other people, so I propose a very drastic solution: Take 10 million gallons of old chicken grease and dump it on Washington, D.C.

I would say we should use crude oil, but that would probably kill a bunch of people. Chicken grease is equally annoying without those pesky side-effects of death and medical problems. I would love nothing more than to see all of those oil company lobbyists struggle to carry on their day-to-day activities while covered in chicken grease. And by covered, I mean COVERED! Completely soaked to the bone. 10 million gallons of grease is a lot after all, so pretty much every available surface in D.C. would be glistening with that good stuff. Imagine a horrible hurricane or monsoon, but instead of water...it's chicken grease. People would be falling down stairs, no one would be able to drive, public transport would be out of the question, you wouldn't be able to eat or drink anything because it's covered in chicken grease, and there was absolutely nothing you could on your own to get rid of it. The city would completely shut down.

I know this all sounds very silly, but this is exactly what marine animals go through when humans cause oil spills and then are very lackadaisical about cleaning it up. I realize that cleaning up oil spills is a very expensive and time consuming process and everyone wants to point fingers on who is going to pick up the tab, but at the end of the day the important thing is that it gets done. And quickly! The more time people spend on trying to figure out who, what, when, where, and why, the salmon that could be someone's dinner is floating in a puddle of oil instead.

Covering the good people of D.C. in chicken grease is the only logical way to make people understand how horrorendous these oil spills are and how important it is to do something about it once it happens. As individuals citizens, there isn't too much we can do to help clean up the spills other than taking to the effected beaches and scooping up buckets of oil. But if you don't happen to live near the coasts of the Indian Ocean or Mediterranean Sea, and you are near Washington, D.C., I highly suggest that you pour a container of melted Vaseline on the first politician that crosses your path. Just to show them you mean business!