Quietly judging myself

So yes, I judge people. But as hard as I am on people, I'm equally hard on myself as well. Over the course of the past few months I've berated myself with names like stupid, retard, lazy, ridiculous, so on and so forth. And it was all due to my recent life transition.

After spending an amazingly fun-filled year in London, this past August I moved back to the US. Just as summer was fading away, I was having panic attacks at the thought of moving back to Ohio and sitting around my parents house watching tv until I got bed sores. I wanted to move to New York, but the idea of moving there with no job, no home, no money, and no clue, it didn't seem like the best idea. But then my brother's girlfriend and my dad came to the rescue. My brother's girlfriend gave me a great job lead that actually turned into an offer I accepted, and my dad asked an old friend if I could crash with her for a bit and she happily said yes. It all seemed to be coming together!

But let's not forget that I'm fickle, introverted, easily annoyed, judgmental, slightly sedity, very dramatic, passive aggressive, and I change my mind like most people change their underwear. Mix all of that together in a big ol' pot and what you end up with is a pretty f*cked up situation.

It all started so well. I really liked the new job, my new friend that I was staying with was great and I seemed to be dealing quite well with the reverse culture shock. I waited a couple of weeks before I started the apartment search, I wanted to relax and take my time with it just to be sure I found something that I really liked. But even though I was forewarned time and time again, the apartment search was more difficult than I could have ever imagined. I'm convinced that it's easier to adopt a Cambodian baby then it is to find a decent apartment in New York. I nixed the idea of having a roommate. I had four when I lived in London and one of them was a borderline drunk that had the tendency to piss on floors and throw pumpkins out of windows, so I'm sure you understand why I wanted to go it alone. However, living solo in NYC is a costly proposition. While trying to firmly stick to my budget, I looked at one sh*thole apartment after another, including one that was $1K a month but had no bathroom, no kitchen of any kind, and the "bedroom" was actually a crawl space in the ceiling that could only be reached by climbing a ladder. Things weren't looking so hot!

Day after day, I went here and there searching high and low for a home of my own, but wasn't having any luck. Yes, there were times when I did see a few that could have worked very well. But because I'm fickle, introverted, easily annoyed, judgmental, slightly sedity, very dramatic, passive aggressive, and I change my mind like most people change their underwear, I passed on them and instantly regretted it after realizing how truly ridiculous I was being.

Studio on the Upper West Side
"Are you going to re-finish these floors? No? Ok, I don't think I'm interested."

1 BR in Clinton Hill, Brooklyn
"Is there anyway that you can replace the bathtub? No? Ok, I think I'm going to continue my search."

Studio in Harlem
"Are those children I hear? Ok, what other buildings do you have?"

1 BR in Jersey City
"Are you going to re-tile the bathroom? No? Ok, I need to pray on this."

Studio in Washington Heights
"Gosh this is small! Do you realize how small this is? Where does the bed go!? Thanks, but no thanks!"

Studio in Hoboken
"You want $1,500 for this? What do you think this is, Manhattan???"

Studio in Clinton Hill, Brooklyn
"Wow, a fireplace! Ooooh, these oak floors are beautiful! CROWN MOLDING!!! Wait, where's the bathtub? There's only a shower stall? There's only 1 closet in this entire place? Can you please show me the way out?"

1 BR in Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn
"Isn't this the neighborhood where Biggie is from? I could have sworn I heard about it in rap songs! Yeah, I need to keep in moving."

1 BR in Crown Heights, Brooklyn
"Can you PLEASE replace these floors? Also, am I allowed to hang chandeliers? What do you mean 'get out'?"

Yes my friends, I passed on a few very good apartments all for very, very ridiculous reasons. Time was running out. I was dangerously close to murdering my friend's sedity dog and I think she was getting sick and tired of me taking over her living room. We had a bit of a riff one weekend and I decided enough was enough, I had to go. I moved into an apartment in Jersey City and within 2 days, I wanted out. The apartment itself was great. 1 BR, very spacious, great bathroom, good building, etc. But I couldn't get over the fact I was living in Jersey. My commute to work was a bitch, Fresh Direct didn't deliver in my zip code, the blocks surrounding my areas were unsavory, and I lived directly across the street from a freakin' fire department. It was an all-around bad situation. So not only was I living in dirty Jerz, but I was awakened at 4am by firetrucks and couldn't even have my groceries delivered. It was time to go.

Thankfully, my landlord of 5 days understood and let me out of the lease (but only after giving me back half the money I gave him). I was annoyed by it, but it was a small price to pay to get the heck of out Jersey and back in NY where I belonged. I was in total agreement with my friend Christen, "you can't live a Sex & the City lifestyle living in dirty Jerz."

I was given exactly 3 days to vacate, so that meant I had just 72 hours to find a new apartment, sign a lease, and get moved in. Talk about pressure! Craigslist had become my new bestfriend and obsession, so I spent every waking moment browsing the listings hoping to find something in my price range in NY that wouldn't give me the willies. I came across a basement apartment in Brooklyn and decided to go for it.

At first glance, it seemed cool. It had new appliances, the landlord was nice, it was definitely in my price range, and freshly painted. There were only three things that bothered me: it was a basement apartment, it was far as hell, and the bathrooms were split. One bathroom had a shower stall and sink (boooo, no tub!), while the other bathroom had the toilet and another sink. Very bizarre. But I was in a time crunch and they basically offered me the place right there on the spot, so I took it. Yay! I found a new apartment in just 24 hours!

You know me, it didn't take long for me to start having issues with my new place. On my second day, I noticed an occasional bug here and there. Fair enough, it is the basement after all, these things happen. A few days later, I noticed just how ridiculous the kitchen floor was. Not only was it ugly, but it was horribly stained with orange paint that the last tenant used to paint the place. No amount of scrubbing can get rid of orange paint stains on linoleum. The very next day, a pipe in the bathroom burst and water was everywhere! I had to go stay with my friend Kea for a couple of days until they got everything patched and repaired. After about 3 weeks, I figured I was cool. The bugs were now non-existent, the landlord agreed to replace the kitchen floor (yes!), and I was in the process of picking out furniture to turn this little basement into my home. But then, tragedy struck. I was on the phone talking to one of my friends when I saw a little mouse peer from behind one of my favorite pair of shoes.

I. Almost. Died.

My reaction to this was probably a little abnormal. I grabbed my laptop and started looking for a cat on Craigslist. If there's anything that will get rid of mice, it's definitely a cat! Within 2 hours, I had arranged for 3 cats to be delivered to my house the very next day. Never mind that I'm allergic to cats, never mind that I barely have enough time to look after myself properly; what the hell was I going to do with THREE cats running around my place? Talk about a mess! Between cat hair, the litter box, furniture being scratched up, and probably coming home to the cats tossing around dead mice, I realized I wasn't being quite ridiculous enough. Why bother trying to get rid of the suckers when I could just move, right? Because moving to a third residence in as many months is a perfectly logical thing to do!

So that's what I did; I moved. Again.

Honestly, I tried to put up a good fight. I'm like 500 times bigger than a mouse so there is no reason why they should be running ish, but seriously, I was scare to death. I was creeping around my apartment and peeping around corners like I was dodging an assassin's bullet. Just when I had agreed to let the exterminators come and do their work so I could stay in the apartment, I heard mice running around inside the ceiling. I felt like at any minute the ceiling was just going to open up and hundreds of screeching mice were going to come pouring down on me. So I started ducking, I started dodging, and I ran into my bedroom and started crying. It was all over for me, the mice won.

I was fortunate enough in that the very next day I found an apartment that I really love. The oak floors are immaculate, the bathroom is newly renovated with the most adorable pedestal sink I've ever seen, brand new appliances, no bug or rodent problems and Fresh Direct delivers:-) I'm in temporary quarters at the moment and will be moving into my new place January 1st, and will be signing a year lease that I have no intention of breaking. I did see quite a few children running around when I went on my second viewing, but I've been through this enough to know that I can't have everything. Even though I'm known for being fickle, introverted, easily annoyed, judgmental, slightly sedity, very dramatic, passive aggressive, and changing my mind like most people change their underwear, I would like to to think that New York is aggressively chipping away at those negative attributes. I've been an absolute mess when it comes to this whole apartment thing and I have no problems with telling you just how ridiculous I have been; If I can't judge yourself, then I have absolutely no business judging anyone.