Coco Stasia's 1st Annual Oscar Review

I love award show season! The gowns, the jewels, the hair, the shoes, it’s all divine! There are times when award shows disappoint, but the Academy Awards last night didn’t let me down! Ellen DeGeneres (who I usually can’t stand) was actually pretty funny, the winners weren’t as predictable as they usually are and everyone took fashion risks on the red carpet – some successful, some not. Here are a few things that stood out

Djimon Hounson made a come-up!
Do you remember that greasy-lipped African in Janet Jackson’s video “Love Will Never Do”? Well lo and behold that shiny black man was Djimon! Apparently, he was the male version of a video ho, having been scantily clad in videos for both Janet Jackson and Paula Abdul. He was nominated for Best Supporting Actor last night for Blood Diamond and was also nominated in 2004 for In America. He didn’t win last night, but Djimon most definitely deserves the award for biggest come-up. Not even Paula Abdul has seen that kind of success and Straight Up Now Tell Me was her song!


Daniel Craig looks funny.

When Daniel Craig was announced as the new James Bond, I was a little confused because he isn’t exactly what you’d call hot stuff. Ungracefully old and bizarre looking is more like it. How do you go from Sean Connery and sexy Pierce Brosnan, to a guy with weird bone structure, beady eyes and abnormally large ears? Speaking of abnormally large ears…

Penelope Cruz has abnormally large ears.

Penelope looked absolutely gorgeous last night. Her Versace gown definitely puts her up in the top 5 best dressed of the night, but her tight, pulled back ‘do highlighted her poorest feature – those ginormous ears. If that dress were on anyone else, a tight bun would have definitely been the hairstyle of choice, but on someone with ears the size of a small country, billowy curls flowing free would have been a better one.

J. Lo is gorgeous, Marc Anthony is a corpse. Seriously.




Jennifer Hudson still needs to get her breasts under control.


Initially when I saw J. Hud on the red carpet, I threw up in my mouth a little. All I saw was a ridiculous 1980s hairstyle and a bright, silvery Star Trek-esque jacket that belonged in a modern art museum. Her gown on the other hand was fabulous. I could have done without the drab brown color, but it fit her perfectly and is by far one of the most flattering gowns I’ve seen on her thus far. Bravo Mr. De la Renta! (I’ll forgive him for the bolero). But when she got onstage to perform, the world had to witness yet another poor dress choice. As she bounced, jiggled, and shook on stage in a tight red dress, her right breast came dangerously close to falling out. Oddly enough, it wasn’t even the same sad breast that we saw in Vogue. I’m absolutely beside myself because Andre Leon Talley, the editor-at-large for Vogue, is her stylist. Why oh why can’t he help her get her bosom under wraps?! Queen Latifah looked absolutely stunning last night and her breasts are probably twice the size of Jen's. Girl, get it together! We’re all sick and tired of trying to tell you.

Too many divas equals a big ‘ol mess.
Dreamgirls had three songs nominated in the Best Song category last night. Rather than have each song performed individually, someone thought it was a good idea to have basically the entire cast of Dreamgirls up onstage performing the three songs nominated. It started off well. Jennifer sang half of a song and then Beyonce came out to sing “Listen” and then came Anika Noni Rose. Before you knew it, there were three divas (and one misplaced man) onstage, screaming high notes all over the place, vying for center stage. After a while I was confused and had no idea what song was being performed, who to look at, or what the hell was going on. It was a travesty. And I was still a nervous wreck about possibly seeing Jen's nipple.

Gay women like tuxes.
First I saw Melissa Etheridge on the red carpet in a weird pants suit, then I saw Ellen DeGeneres open the show wearing a burgundy velvet pimp suit and white shoes that I’m pretty sure were meant for a man. You’re a woman who likes to have sex with women and you’re not very feminine. I get it. But you are in fact a woman, so what’s the harm in looking like one? Portia de Rossi (Ellen’s girlfriend), is the perfect example of what I’m talking about. She looked stunning in a deep blue halter gown by Zac Posen and even Melissa’s girlfriend looked good. But I guess that in every lesbian relationship you have to have a token “male”, in which case I suppose Ellen did manage to pull it together by the end of the show.

Last but not least…Jennifer Hudson needs to go to finishing school.
As much as I talk about Jennifer Hudson as of late, you would think that I really don’t like her. The thing is, I do. I just want her to do better!! Her acceptance speech last night was a complete and total mess. After hearing her say “woooooo” at least 3 times during her Golden Globe’s speech, I thought for sure she would clean it up and have a well thought out speech in the event that she won the Oscar. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. We had to listen to her “woooo” again repeatedly and just as she was walking off stage after saying her thank yous, she ran back to the mic to say “oh and Jennifer Holiday too!” Even though I was genuinely happy for her, I was cringing and giving my TV the crazy look the entire time she was up there.

I know she’s an American Idol reject that used to sing on cruise ships, but damn, can someone please teach this chick the art of public speaking? If it was the Kid’s Choice awards, I might let it slide. Hell, if it was the Grammy’s I might let it slide! But it was the Academy Awards, an event that is watched by 80 million people across the globe. She’s one of a miniscule amount of black women to be awarded with the Best Supporting Actress award, and she goes up there unpoised and unprepared? Forrest Whitaker learned his lesson. He stumbled and stammered the last time he won, but this time he wrote down a few things and went up there sounding like an award winning actor should. Jen on the other hand thanked her boyfriend (who I hear is a janitor?) and her cousins, who she basically gave a shout out to while up there. Then while talking to the press backstage she said something to the effect of, “I don’t know what I won, all I know is I got a statue.” I think a runaway slave from 1791 would have been more polished.

All in all, I guess it was as good as to be expected. I'm convinced that ridiculous gospel choir was there only because it's Black History Month, even though I love the environment Al Gore makes me want to destroy it just to spite him, I'm surprised they didn't "cut to camera 2" when Melissa Etheridge kissed her wife on the mouth, and is it just me or did it take you about 2 hours to realize that that weird bald man in the front row was Jack Nicholson?

See you all next year!