Coco Stasia's 1st Annual Oscar Review

I love award show season! The gowns, the jewels, the hair, the shoes, it’s all divine! There are times when award shows disappoint, but the Academy Awards last night didn’t let me down! Ellen DeGeneres (who I usually can’t stand) was actually pretty funny, the winners weren’t as predictable as they usually are and everyone took fashion risks on the red carpet – some successful, some not. Here are a few things that stood out

Djimon Hounson made a come-up!
Do you remember that greasy-lipped African in Janet Jackson’s video “Love Will Never Do”? Well lo and behold that shiny black man was Djimon! Apparently, he was the male version of a video ho, having been scantily clad in videos for both Janet Jackson and Paula Abdul. He was nominated for Best Supporting Actor last night for Blood Diamond and was also nominated in 2004 for In America. He didn’t win last night, but Djimon most definitely deserves the award for biggest come-up. Not even Paula Abdul has seen that kind of success and Straight Up Now Tell Me was her song!


Daniel Craig looks funny.

When Daniel Craig was announced as the new James Bond, I was a little confused because he isn’t exactly what you’d call hot stuff. Ungracefully old and bizarre looking is more like it. How do you go from Sean Connery and sexy Pierce Brosnan, to a guy with weird bone structure, beady eyes and abnormally large ears? Speaking of abnormally large ears…

Penelope Cruz has abnormally large ears.

Penelope looked absolutely gorgeous last night. Her Versace gown definitely puts her up in the top 5 best dressed of the night, but her tight, pulled back ‘do highlighted her poorest feature – those ginormous ears. If that dress were on anyone else, a tight bun would have definitely been the hairstyle of choice, but on someone with ears the size of a small country, billowy curls flowing free would have been a better one.

J. Lo is gorgeous, Marc Anthony is a corpse. Seriously.




Jennifer Hudson still needs to get her breasts under control.


Initially when I saw J. Hud on the red carpet, I threw up in my mouth a little. All I saw was a ridiculous 1980s hairstyle and a bright, silvery Star Trek-esque jacket that belonged in a modern art museum. Her gown on the other hand was fabulous. I could have done without the drab brown color, but it fit her perfectly and is by far one of the most flattering gowns I’ve seen on her thus far. Bravo Mr. De la Renta! (I’ll forgive him for the bolero). But when she got onstage to perform, the world had to witness yet another poor dress choice. As she bounced, jiggled, and shook on stage in a tight red dress, her right breast came dangerously close to falling out. Oddly enough, it wasn’t even the same sad breast that we saw in Vogue. I’m absolutely beside myself because Andre Leon Talley, the editor-at-large for Vogue, is her stylist. Why oh why can’t he help her get her bosom under wraps?! Queen Latifah looked absolutely stunning last night and her breasts are probably twice the size of Jen's. Girl, get it together! We’re all sick and tired of trying to tell you.

Too many divas equals a big ‘ol mess.
Dreamgirls had three songs nominated in the Best Song category last night. Rather than have each song performed individually, someone thought it was a good idea to have basically the entire cast of Dreamgirls up onstage performing the three songs nominated. It started off well. Jennifer sang half of a song and then Beyonce came out to sing “Listen” and then came Anika Noni Rose. Before you knew it, there were three divas (and one misplaced man) onstage, screaming high notes all over the place, vying for center stage. After a while I was confused and had no idea what song was being performed, who to look at, or what the hell was going on. It was a travesty. And I was still a nervous wreck about possibly seeing Jen's nipple.

Gay women like tuxes.
First I saw Melissa Etheridge on the red carpet in a weird pants suit, then I saw Ellen DeGeneres open the show wearing a burgundy velvet pimp suit and white shoes that I’m pretty sure were meant for a man. You’re a woman who likes to have sex with women and you’re not very feminine. I get it. But you are in fact a woman, so what’s the harm in looking like one? Portia de Rossi (Ellen’s girlfriend), is the perfect example of what I’m talking about. She looked stunning in a deep blue halter gown by Zac Posen and even Melissa’s girlfriend looked good. But I guess that in every lesbian relationship you have to have a token “male”, in which case I suppose Ellen did manage to pull it together by the end of the show.

Last but not least…Jennifer Hudson needs to go to finishing school.
As much as I talk about Jennifer Hudson as of late, you would think that I really don’t like her. The thing is, I do. I just want her to do better!! Her acceptance speech last night was a complete and total mess. After hearing her say “woooooo” at least 3 times during her Golden Globe’s speech, I thought for sure she would clean it up and have a well thought out speech in the event that she won the Oscar. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. We had to listen to her “woooo” again repeatedly and just as she was walking off stage after saying her thank yous, she ran back to the mic to say “oh and Jennifer Holiday too!” Even though I was genuinely happy for her, I was cringing and giving my TV the crazy look the entire time she was up there.

I know she’s an American Idol reject that used to sing on cruise ships, but damn, can someone please teach this chick the art of public speaking? If it was the Kid’s Choice awards, I might let it slide. Hell, if it was the Grammy’s I might let it slide! But it was the Academy Awards, an event that is watched by 80 million people across the globe. She’s one of a miniscule amount of black women to be awarded with the Best Supporting Actress award, and she goes up there unpoised and unprepared? Forrest Whitaker learned his lesson. He stumbled and stammered the last time he won, but this time he wrote down a few things and went up there sounding like an award winning actor should. Jen on the other hand thanked her boyfriend (who I hear is a janitor?) and her cousins, who she basically gave a shout out to while up there. Then while talking to the press backstage she said something to the effect of, “I don’t know what I won, all I know is I got a statue.” I think a runaway slave from 1791 would have been more polished.

All in all, I guess it was as good as to be expected. I'm convinced that ridiculous gospel choir was there only because it's Black History Month, even though I love the environment Al Gore makes me want to destroy it just to spite him, I'm surprised they didn't "cut to camera 2" when Melissa Etheridge kissed her wife on the mouth, and is it just me or did it take you about 2 hours to realize that that weird bald man in the front row was Jack Nicholson?

See you all next year!

When a boob hangs low

Back when I was in college I affectionately nicknamed by boobs Thelma and Louise. They were large and in charge, with a mind and personality of their own. I'm a couple of cup sizes smaller now, but Thelma and Louise still represent, being a little bigger than the average boob. So when I see other women with their "girls" on display for the world to see, I don't say too much as long as they have the proper support. I've become somewhat of an under garment connoisseur, knowing what will suck you in, perk you up, make you bouncy or make you pass out from lack of oxygen. No matter how big (or small) your girls, the proper bra and right clothing will make you look absolutely stunning. So it's extremely important, especially for those whose cup runneth over, to know what will make you look your absolute best.

Jennifer Hudson is obviously not in the know.

Inside spread of Vogue


I love JHud. I think she's beautiful, talented and I was THRILLED when I found out she was gracing the March cover of Vogue.

I'm sure there have only been a few times in Vogue's history where they have stepped outside the box and put someone on the cover that is larger than a size 2, especially a black woman so I applaud them for that. The cover is fab, but who decided that that picture of her with the droopy boob was a good look? Not only was the photo a bad choice, but the dress was an even worse choice and the fact that her girls aren't supported is the biggest sin of all. There are few things worse than a wayward boob and I'm appalled that one boob looks regular, and the other looks sad and depressed. While I'm sure she was excited to appear in the magazine and would have worn a potato sack if they told her to, she should have at least been adamant about wearing a bra! Get it together Jen, your girls deserve better than that!

Accidental Eavesdropper

Have you ever been minding your business and you overhear something completely hilarious or utterly ridiculous? Or have you ever been on your cell phone in public and suddenly realize that the things you are saying should not be overheard by random passersby? I experienced both this past weekend and the latter left me feeling very embarrassed.

I was walking to meet a couple of friends for dinner on Saturday night. It was cold as all get out and I lost my hat on Friday, so unfortunately I had nothing to cover my head (or ears). I was standing on the corner waiting to cross the street when two guys came and stood next to me. The first guy said, “I know he knows I like him, but I don’t know if he knows I like him like that.” The second guy said, “does your wife know?” Now correct me if I’m wrong, but if you heard something like that, wouldn’t your natural inclination be to turn and see exactly who the down-low guy was? These days there are so many men on the down-low that I didn’t think I was in the wrong by turning around and seeing exactly who he was. Afterall, this same guy could probably try to hit on me at a club one night! I guess the alleged down-low guy didn’t feel the same way because he gave me the look of “bitch, get up out my conversation” when I turned to look at him. It wasn’t my fault, he shouldn’t have been having that conversation on the sidewalk!

The second encounter was actually me talking too loud on my cell phone. I was in Starbucks and talking to a friend of mine about a tuna sandwich I had eaten earlier. There was too much tuna stuffed in the sandwich and when I bit into it, tuna fell out and got all over my jacket, leaving me smelling like a can of tuna. Unfortunately, the accidental eavesdropper listening to my conversation wasn’t privy to any of this (or an inside joke my friend and I have about Chlamydia), so I ended up embarrassing myself in a major way!

“I smell bad. Oh my god, I have Chlamydia. Doesn’t your choch smell like tuna when you have Chlamydia? Girl, that muthaf*cka gave me Chlamydia!”

I said all of this like I was serious, because that’s what makes the joke so funny. But when I looked up from my macchiato, a man was starring at me like I was some filthy whore. The sad part is that he wasn’t the only one that was starring at me. At least three other people looked at me when I said, “doesn’t your choch smell like tuna when you have Chlamydia?” As much I would like to believe I am this wordly sophisticate, at that very moment I was the equivalent of Beavis or Butthead. Not my proudest moment!

A mind of your own

Maybe it's because my mother taught me to always speak for myself, or maybe it's because I admire people who go against the grain, but I think having a mind of your own and voicing your opinions is the key to survival. To some, that sounds a little dramatic so I'll just say that I can't stand people who don't have a mind of their own.

In this day in age people have so many choices and things in which to believe. Along with those choices is a vast amount of information available for you to research before committing to your decisions. So it bothers me when people tell me they like this or that, or they believe in such and such, but they can't tell me exactly why. How could that be?! If you believe the government is failing us and you refuse to vote, be sure you can articulate why you feel that way. If you think polyester is far superior to cashmere, you better damn well be able to back it up! Time and time again I've come across people who like something just because someone else told them to. I just don't understand it. It can be as simple as preferring Jiff peanut butter to Skippy, or being Pro-Life versus Pro-Choice. Whatever it is, you should know why it's your choice. I actually enjoy talking to people who have a different viewpoint from my own; it's an opportunity for interesting discussion and either one of us could walk away learning something new. However, talking to people who have opposing viewpoints, but are too stupid to actually converse about it, is both frustrating and sad. Sometimes it's OK to smack people who say ridiculous things, but it's even more OK to smack people who have absolutely nothing to say. If you ever come across these people, just go ahead and smack them. PLEEEEASE!!

Friday morning I was watching the Today Show and Meredith Viera was interviewing Laura Bush, so I purposefully didn't pay too much attention to it. In the seven years that she's been First Lady, I have yet to hear her saying anything insightful or even remotely genuine. I'm not knocking her because she's married to a putz, I just honestly think her brain can only function at certain levels. She proved my point when Meredith began asking an uncomfortable line of questions about the war. Meredith played a clip of Senator Chuck Hagel saying, "we better be damn sure we know what we're doing, all of us, before we put 22,000 more Americans into that grinder. We better be as sure as you can be." After playing the clip, Meredith said to her that the majority of Americans who are fighting in this war are young people and that Laura herself has young children that could be fighting as well. She asked her that given that fact, does she still feel comfortable sending those young people to war and if she feels it's the right thing to do. Laura's answer?

"Well, I do feel comfortable because I know the President does and that's what he thinks..."

Can someone please smack this ho?

Cirque du So-gay

When you think of the average football fan, what do you envision? A masculine man, one who devours chicken and beer while watching the game? Or perhaps someone who is familiar with the shows of ESPN and probably is a huge fan of several other sports? Yeah, that sounds about right. When you think of the average football fan, do you envision someone who enjoys Cirque du Soleil or watching grown men parade around in costume? Probably not. Which is why I was completely perplexed by the Superbowl pregame show! Who in the hell thought it was a good idea to put on that ridiculously childish and borderline homo spectacle? As I sat there watching children running to-and-fro in butterfly wings and women toting around ginormous inflated alligators, I was confused as to what exactly I was watching. I even saw a big black man smiling ear to ear while doing a split. Was this the Superbowl or the opening act for Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey? Yes, Cirque du Soleil is fabulous and all, but it has absolutely no place at the Superbowl. The entire show looked like something out of a Disney movie or Tim Burton film. The only redeeming quality was Prince's half-time show, which was actually pretty good. But then again, even he looked like something out of a Disney movie or Tim Burton film!